Tuesday, October 31, 2006

an evening on the coast

I’d meant to tell this story a week ago – but I’ve just been so busy at work I haven’t had time…….

So anyway - - went to Essex last weekend and experienced the phenomenon that isn’t just “the Essex girl” but also – the “Essex boy.” I feel that spending an evening of observing the fatally threatening overuse of white stilettos, Barcardi Breezers, “classic” house and hair extensions – I am now equipped to slander the Essexians to my hearts desire.

The night began at the Travel Lodge where Kelly’s brother had booked us some rooms. We did a quick run to Tesco where we picked up some Buck’s Fizz – this pre-made mimosa stuff that’s awesome and costs like £2 for a bottle. Oh yeah and then also – we got KFC – because “when in south end…” which we ate whilst sitting on the pull out couches in the hotel room, watching X-factor (something like American/Canadian/Pop Idol). It was rockin’.

After we got dressed in our hot hipster outfits, we went to Churchill’s, this really killer nightclub in the heart of Southend. Kelly’s bro hosted his party on the top floor and had sandwiches, onion rings and fries for the buffet – it is shocking how the Essexians stray so dangerously from mainstream British culture.

Anyway – all the girls were wearing white stilettos, and either backless, or centre frontless tops. They were very tanned, had straightened hair extensions and really thick mascara. The boys had directional haircuts, fitted tops with really ironic statements stencilled on them like “Product of South Beach Muscle Club” etc. and jeans with strategic ripping and bleach spots. If you’re awesome, you can spot little bits of hair that are also strategically bleached – for that wild effect – like Aussie surfers trying to go just “a bit punk rock, but nothing over the top”.

The most interesting thing about these boys was their extremely gay behaviour on and off the dance floor. They’re all on a football team with each other, which apparently grants them the authority to be gay, but not. They were doing some very sexy dancing. Like that one where the girl jumps into the boy’s arms and they simulate sex? Humping? Yeah they were doing that. The dancing from behind move with the spanking gesture?, yup. And all their girlfriends and fianc├ęs were off to the side, doing nothing, or sheepishly dancing in the corner while the UV lights accentuated their bright footwear.

So we carried on a bit there, the drinks were SO CHEAP. And then Kelly started talking to some dude, and that brought about me being dragged to some place called Bakers – which apparently (and I’ve got sources) is the illest club in ALL OF ESSEX.
Right. We waited in a queue for about 45 mins – which is worth it, I suppose, considering the venue’s stature. I talked to this Ghurkha dude who was in the Royal Nepalese Army under the king – before (obviously) the latest developments – and was telling us mad stories about Iraq and some other things I don’t remember because of those cheap drinks I just mentioned. But one thing I do remember is when we got into the club, finally, Ghurkha guy asked me what I wanted to drink and I said: “Vodka, lime and soda please” and he come back with this bizarre tasting beverage that I put down. He said:
“Where’s your drink?”
To which I replied, “Umm it tasted weird, like it had beer in it.”
And he said, “Well I asked them for vodka, lime and Stella like you said…”

Around 2 or 3 – we went home to the hotel because Kelly’s man for the evening couldn’t handle that she was her brother’s sister or something.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Canadian bacon?



Monday, October 02, 2006
I arrived in Rome Ciampino on Saturday morning. After waking at four and making my way to Stansted airport, the short flight to Italy seemed like nothing. The cheap airlines are great and everything, but the missions it takes to get to the cheap airports are fucking nightmares. I'm sick of it. Trains are so much easier.So Lisa and her dad, Barry picked me up - haven't seen her dad in about ten years - from Ciampino and then drove me into the village where they live, pointing out all the historically significant things on the way.

The house is in Nemi, a small mountain village on a massive volcanic lake on which Caligula launched two boats in an attempt to woo the goddess Diana...I think? I gotta check on that.Anyway - the area is absolutely stunning with beautiful trees, and winding roads - amazing views. The village, Nemi, is all cobbled with these tall buildings built a million years ago looking down on this massive valley (that was actually once a crater) containing the sparkling lake. On the first day we came back to the house and I met all the animals. That's about 20 cats (who come and go) and Pablo - the dog they used to have in Toronto, and a puppy whose temporary name is the word for pubic hair in Brazilian and two kittens born via cesarian.

It's a mad house - particularly coupled with Lisa's mental mom who is fucking awesome, but very highly strung. Or just quirkily mad.We went for lunch at this restaurant run by two sons, and father in kitchen. One son dresses like some sort of 21st century chavvy Elvis. No exaggeration. He's got these massive sideburns and too tight pants. Has placed framed images of the King all over his family's traditional small village Italian restaurant, next to historical shots of people from the area. The food was unbelievable anyway and we had a really nice time drinking white wine looking out over the views.

That night we ate some more - minus the parents this time. Got a jug of this stuff that's like Proseco, but a little less bubbly. Sort of like a readymade spritzer. It came in a jug like a pitcher of beer - so nice. The specialty here is Fragolini which are these tiny strawberries that they make deserts with, put in Proseco, sell on the streets etc. So we had one of those while waiting for Lisa's dad to pick us up after dinner.Yesterday we just went out and ate again! And then brought Attila, the village dog - who spends most of his time here, Pablo and Pubic dog into town where they were having the yearly dog show. It was chaotic and hilarious. They wanted to announce to everyone in the town that the puppy needs a home also - so we had to put her on a leash which she's never experienced before and did not like at all. I better go cause Lisa's going to come up and yell at me for using the internet for so long... ;)

Going to Rome today finally - shopping and and more food I suspect - more will follow!


August. 29. 2006
He's hiding her 18 legs under the jacket.